Well, my training run on Saturday which should have been somewhat easy because it was ONLY 16 miles, turned into probably one of my worst Saturday training runs I’ve ever had in the last 4 years.
To make a long story short (or at least shorter), the training run sucked, big time! First, I hate the route we ran, for a few miles I was trying to figure out if I was going to need to use the bathroom and if so, what farmhouse would I knock on because we were in the middle of no-where without any public restrooms. I was also having MAJOR chaffing issues on more body parts than I care to elaborate on here and the blisters on my toes where growing with each foot strike. BUT, that wasn’t what made the run horrible. What made the run horrible was the heat (yes, I am the only person who can overheat in 50-60 degree temperatures) and the fact that around mile 12, I had what can only be described as an asthma or panic attack. That was just about as fun as having my fingernails removed with a dirty pliers. I’ve never experienced anything like that before and I hope as hell to never go through that again. It freaked me out (and it freaked out the husband too. That’s when you know it’s bad, because he never freaks out about anything). I couldn’t breathe and the worst was that I had no control. I was wheezing and gasping for breathe as if I was a 5 pack a day smoker w/ asthma and an allergic condition. It was so bizarre to not have control over my body. As I was on the side of the road trying to recover from this “attack”, all I could think was the fact that I had 4 more miles to go. DAMMIT!! There’s no way of getting back but to run back. But the truth is, even if there was a way to get back other than to run back, I wouldn’t have done anything BUT run back. I had to finish that training run. Not finishing would have done much more damage to me mentally and it would not have been worth it. I was already disappointed in the fact that I even “stopped” to recover. And trust me, even though I could not breath and was having chest pains, I had no intention to stop running. Just ask the hubby, who was so PISSED at me for not stopping immediately. He actually was telling me to stop running but I really did not want to and really had no desire to stop. I was afraid that if I stopped running that I wouldn’t be able to get going again AND I didn’t want to stop because I just don’t ever stop (bathroom issues aside). No matter how much pain I’ve been in, no matter how fatigued I’ve been, no matter how sore I’ve been, I haven’t stopped running on a Saturday long run because I don’t want to “give in”. If I stop once, it’s a slippery slope to stopping whenever things get a little tough. I don’t like to stop because I can’t tell the difference between legitimate reasons and making excuses. The husband says, NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE is a legitimate excuse.
So, you may be wondering how the rest of the run went after my attack… it was fine. I didn’t feel great and I definitely needed to be done running but nothing else major happened. I felt like crap the rest of the day… tired, fatigued and some nausea… but again, that sometimes comes with a long run. I don’t know if I have any lingering physical ailments from the attack. But I can sure tell you I have a HUGE mental one.
I am absolutely freaked out by this. I’m not freaked out because I think I have asthma or have some other problem. I’m freaked out because my gut is telling me that what ever that was that happened on Saturday was caused by my bodies inability to handle the heat. And this FREAKS ME OUT. And unfortunately nobody understands what the heat does to me. At least not heat that isn’t really even hot. It’s not like its 80 or 90 degrees and humid. I SHOULD be able to run in 60 degree temps, but apparently not. And since these temps are “great or ideal running conditions” to most other runners, they don’t understand what I’m going through. They’ll sympathize w/ a pulled hamstring or a blister but the sympathy for fatigue due to the heat just gets me looks like “it’s in your head” or “you’re crazy, this is beautiful”. Or “it’s not that bad, just make sure you drink enough”. I’m pretty damn sure that I could drink the equivalent of Lake Michigan and it won’t help me run a marathon in temperatures that my body deems “not enjoyable”.
So, there is the fact that my body absolutely does not respond well to heat and then there’s also the fact that my entire mental psyche is now so consumed and freaked out by this that, now I really will give myself a panic attack. They say that a marathon is 10% physical and 90% mental. And in this case… I’m so screwed. Mentally, I’m a mess right now. I don’t know how to “get out of my head”, as someone recently told me. (How’s that for another incognito shout-out?!) As I’m sure you all know, I have a tendency to obsess. And boy oh boy, I’m sure obsessing now. And I know this is not good for me. But if I knew how NOT to obsess, then my entire adult life would be a much different place. I obsess, that’s what I do (I also judge… but that’s a whole other story).
I’m TERRIFIED that I’ll psych myself out even before I get to the start line. I have no idea how I’ll do come race day. And I feel an even greater pressure to not end up crying hysterically along the side of the road because I have a mental break down or end up in a medical tent because there are a lot of people coming to San Diego for this marathon. I would feel HORRIBLE if people spent their hard earned money and time to fly across the country to find me breaking down by mile 12.
And I have a 22 miler this Saturday to run in about the same weather conditions as this past Saturday. This means… it will actually be hotter than my ideal running temperature. So, you can bet your booty, that I will spend every waking minute until Saturday morning freaking out and obsessing about this training run. I’m already a mess just thinking about it.
So, that’s the latest update in this ongoing saga. I need to find a way to “get out of my own head”. Besides pot (which I’m not totally opposed to)… anyone have a good suggestion?
Until next time… I gotta run. And hopefully I’ll be running in a nice cool and overcast place.