Too stubborn or too delusional?

It has been a tough couple of weeks for me with my training.  I’ve had some major GI issues that have caused a lot of bathroom stops on my long runs.  While I’ve always had issues, they seem to be even worse lately and that can make a 22 mile training run – very long and very unpleasant.  I also have a few other concerns as it pertains to that topic that I won’t get into with you  – I’ll spare you the pleasantries, but I’m waiting to see how long I can hold out before I need to see a specialist.  This causes me a lot of anxiety for a lot of reasons.  I’m a bit afraid they may truly find something wrong and then in a twisted way, I’m worried they may NOT find something wrong.

In an effort to help try to ease some possible GI issues, as well as to help make sure I’m properly “fueled”, heading into my summer of  training, I made an appointment to see a nutritionist. She is also a runner and has also had her share of GI issues, so I’m really, really hoping she can help me.  I sure don’t want to spend the money to see her if she can’t help me.

I’ve also made an appointment to see a specialist to have the needling procedure done to help with my IT and knee pain.  I’m a bit concerned that they recommend 2 times a week for 3-4 weeks.  Yikes, that’s a lot of appointments and more on, that’s a lot of money.

So for those keeping count, I have a coach/trainer, have seen a chiropractor, will be seeing a nutritionist and a needle-ologist (I just made up that title, I’m sure they have some official medical title, I just don’t know what it is) and am hoping to get a masseuse on board too so I can get some regular appointments to keep me as pain-free as possible.  So they say that it takes a village to raise a child, well it must take a fricken metropolis to get me to the Fall 50 finish line.  Ugh!

And the finish line I sure hope I see.  I know I mentioned I had my first mini “what did I sign up for” freak out a few weeks ago. Well, this weekend I had more than I mini freak out, I had full on tears.  I had a 15 mile training run yesterday and it was during the annual Maneyfest weekend.  Maneyfest is my family’s annual camping trip and it’s something I look forward to every year.  Friday night I had to go to bed early while everyone else was still at the camp fire because I had to get up early to run.  That may not seem like a big deal, but for me it really was. I laid in my tent and listened to the fun I missing outside.  When Brian came to bed he said, “these types of sacrifices will make crossing the finish line that much more meaningful”.  So, with that thought and the thought of how I will feel when I cross the finish line, I finally fell asleep.

The next day Brian and I got up to run.  The route we had planned didn’t work out as we had thought and we had to ad-lib a bit.  But as we got our run under way, I thought it was still going to be a good run. Well, the run did not go well.  I struggled and I struggled a lot.  And it was only 15 miles.  And while it’s common to have bad runs every now and them, it seems as if that’s all I’ve had lately.  I realized on Saturday that I’ve had more bad runs than good.  I also realized I don’t feel stronger or better.  I’m slower and seem to be having more issues.  And that’s when I realized, that all this time I keep thinking about getting to the finish line, but what if I don’t get to the start line?  I realized on Saturday that I may not be good enough to do this.  I’ve never been a gifted runner, it’s never been easy.  I don’t have natural ability and now it seems as if I have more things working against me than I do with me.  As I struggled to finish those last few miles, I realized for the first time that I may not actually be able to do this.  I may not make it to the finish line.  And after wanting it for so many years and now that everyone knows about it and I’ve been training for it, it may not be enough.  Wanting it may not be enough. Being “too stubborn to quit” may not be enough. I have been very delusional about all of this.  I realized that being stubborn is no substitute for being physically capable of doing it.  It never occurred to me that “wanting” it so badly wasn’t going to be enough.  I never realized I may not have it in me physically.  And this scares the shit out of me.  It was enough to bring me to tears on Saturday and enough to make me type this through teary eyes too.

I have a marathon on Sunday and I sure hope it goes well.  If I can’t even get through 26.2 miles somewhat easily – how the hell can I keep pretending that I have what it takes to run 50?

So, while Sunday’s marathon isn’t supposed to be a big deal and it’s actually just a training run for me, I am worried that I’ve now put too much pressure on how Sunday’s run goes.  I want to  just take it slow and enjoy the day, but I know how I internalize things and if Sunday is less than ideal, I’m terrified I’ll be so “in my own head” for the rest of training and once I get in my own head, it’s really hard to get out.

So here’s my training starts turning around because if not, I’m not sure if being too stubborn to quit will be enough.


Until next time,


Gotta run










One response to “Too stubborn or too delusional?

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