I want off this hamster wheel

I know I sound like a broken record, but I’m seriously so tired.  And I’m not only physically tired but I’m mentally exhausted too.  I’m just done.  I’m sick of training, I’m sick of being tired and I’m sick of worrying – about everything!

The Fall 50 is just over 5 weeks away and while that seems like it should make me happy, it’s just got me so fucking tired.  And with only a few weeks left to go and with an entire year of rearranging my life for training, you think I’d be used to it.  But I’m not.  I’m tired of it.  I have one more MONSTER long run coming up and logistically it’s a pain in the ass.  The reasons why it’s going to be hard to execute don’t matter, it’s just the point that it will not be easy for me to pull it off and get it done and it’s got me so stressed.  I’m tired of trying to figure out what’s the least inconvenient way to get a run completed.  I’m tired of trying to find a route that won’t make me want to kill myself.  I’m tired of trying to figure out and plan everything I need for my runs, only to forget something so basic that I’m blown away at where my head’s at and how I can forget something I’ve been doing for weeks or even months.  I’m tired of trying to psyche myself up for a run.  I’m tired of trying to do everything right – eat well, rest well and find a good route – only to have the run suck.  I’m tired of struggling.  I’m tired of trying so hard and coming up short.  I’m tired of feeling sore and worrying about if it’s going to lead to a larger problem on race day.  I’m tired of freaking out every time someone near me sneezes because I’m paranoid I’m going to get sick and it’s going to derail my training.  I’m tired of having ugly fucking toenails and calloused feet.  I’m tired of being so swollen and worrying about how badly my feet hurt when I run because they are so swollen they literally rub against the inside of my shoes.  I’m tired of not being able to sleep because I can’t get comfortable.  I am tired of not being able to sit in a car or at my desk because my legs twitch so badly they feel like they are on fire.  I’m tired of having to run all over town for chiropractor appointments, needling sessions or to buy supplies.  I’m tired of not having a life.  I’m tired of the self-doubt.  I’m tired of having a few beers on my off day only to have it play havoc on my stomach and in turn it makes me regret relaxing and having a beer like a normal person.  These last few long runs didn’t go well and that fucked with my head.  So now I’m 100% in my head, it makes me dread the training runs coming up which then makes those runs go badly and around and around we go.  I’m tired of this fricken hamster wheel I’m on.  I want to get off.  But I can’t get off because I’m not done yet, I have a lot more fricken miles to go before I can be done and I better rally, or else.  And I’m tired of trying to rally, I really am.

I’m just tired.

Until next time,

Gotta run

#toostubborntoquit  #doepicshit


One response to “I want off this hamster wheel

  1. Don’t know what to say except that you’re in the midst of the difficult-as-hell portion of something amazing. You’ve come so far in this journey…keep going!

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