Living a nightmare

Here’s a little something for you to think about.

If a person is afraid of swimming in wavy water, and if they are in such water for 20-30 minutes, its like living a nightmare for the duration of the swim.

Think about that… think about living your fear.  And not a fear of spiders where you see the spider and run away and your fear is gone.  Or being afraid of heights and being up on a ladder for a few minutes and then getting back down.  No, think about living that fear for almost 30 minutes.

And this fear, isn’t a physical fear, where the minute you start doing it, your fear subsides.  No, it’s internal and nothing you do or say can counter it.

It’s irrational.

It’s exhausting.

It’s anxiety.

It’s panic.

It’s an elevated heart rate.

It’s every fiber of your body telling you to stop.

It’s the demons in your head getting louder and louder.

That’s what it’s like for me swimming.  And while I’m getting more comfortable swimming, open water – and especially swimming with swells – is down right fear-inducing.  So while I may do it, it’s not easy and it’s not fun and everything about it sucks.  And when I get done doing it, I don’t feel a sense of pride or a sense of relief.  I’m too numb to enjoy being done.  I just spent almost 30 minutes “on high alert” and it takes time to physically and mentally come down from that.

So while I can swim from Point A to Point B, and it may look like I’m doing well or swimming just fine… make no mistakes, there’s nothing fine about me.

[And if you haven’t already guessed, I did an open water swim this weekend that contained some baby swells.  And it was a long, long 25 minutes in the water. But I did it.  And no, I didn’t feel good when it was done.]

Until next time,

Gotta run




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